“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”