Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.