Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.