I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
accurate
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first