Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
You Might Also Like
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Goodnight 🐶
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure