Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Ugh but profoundly
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.