I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
How is it still this week?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved