WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
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Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Festive toon…
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.