So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit