me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
i actually laughed 😩
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face