My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Bring back the McRib
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I get distracted pretty eas
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.