I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me sliding into hell like
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”