[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Potatoes were such a good idea
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline