Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Happy thanksgiving
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?