Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly