Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
notice
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.