The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Sharon, call the vet
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Fights fire with marshmallows
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick