Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.