A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
idk what this dog had been going through but same
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.