I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.