A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
It do be feeling this way.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
This is a bad sign
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.