*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You Might Also Like
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
it is time once again
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
This raises questions
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.