Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
giddy up Office Depot
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
iPhone X
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared