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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
it was a valiant fight
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.