I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Y’all ready for this
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.