I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.