[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.