Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You Might Also Like
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Mission: Impossible
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.