Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
So we got a goldfish…
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!