The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“i am a sweet baby”