*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
this has to be peak English
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Great Canadian literature.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show