HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Air conditioning – not a fan
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
this post was so formative to me
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.