Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt