I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.