me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.