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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?