My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can鈥檛 figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
It鈥檚 a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don鈥檛 have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
There鈥檚 only one good girl here!
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you鈥檙e happy now
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I鈥檓 trying to sleep!!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I鈥檓 not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city