How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I鈥檓 in three pyramid schemes.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
if you compliment a dude鈥檚 shirt, you better mean it, because that鈥檚 the only shirt he鈥檒l wear out for the next five years.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can鈥檛 have a popsicle in the car. You鈥檒l get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I don鈥檛 have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it鈥檚 working
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I hate when I鈥檓 hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”