I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
the clam before the storm
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?