[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.