Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle