TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
You Might Also Like
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.