Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
me irl
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.