6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it