When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.