sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
This trial is so absurd 😭
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?