I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Holy shit he’s back
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.