Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.