(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
This has made my week.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?