My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.